and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
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He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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