we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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