You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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