I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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