dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize