he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
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Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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