She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
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THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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