listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
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So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
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That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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