the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
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that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
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I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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