o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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