Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Randomize