used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
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I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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