Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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