I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize