I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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