WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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