Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
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i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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