remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
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I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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