I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize