why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
not ubering you a puppy
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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