true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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