I think my fart just growled at me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
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You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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