how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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