fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
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At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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