the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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