Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
