he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
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