I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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