Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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