Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
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I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
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It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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