You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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