You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
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Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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