swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize