She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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