WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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