Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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