mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
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I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
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The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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