Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
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I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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