if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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