Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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