i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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