My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I checked into jail on foursquare
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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