I wish my penis had an off switch
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize