I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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