I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
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I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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