Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
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I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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