I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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