I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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