Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
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I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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