then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize